You Know You're A Mom When…

• You can’t find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.
• You spend an entire week wearing sweats.
• Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.
• Popsicles become a food staple.
• Your favorite television show is a cartoon.
• Peanut butter and jelly is eaten for at least one meal a day.
• Your baby’s pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her after you suck the dirt off of it because you’re too busy to wash it off.
• You’re so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!
• Spit is your number one cleaning agent.
• You’re up each night until 11 p.m. vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, creating lesson plans, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, NOT you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, rollerblading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog.
• You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet … you still managed to gain 10 pounds.
• In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions.
• You count the sprinkles on each kid’s cupcake to make sure they’re equal.
• You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it’s the only one your child eats.
• You have time to shave only one leg per shower.
• You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
• Your kid throws up and you catch it.
• You consider finger paints to be a controlled substance.
• You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; but your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun anyway.
• You find yourself cutting your husband’s sandwiches into cute shapes.
• You’re eating lunch out with a friend and you say “I bet I can eat my spinach faster than you can.”
• You can’t bear to give away baby clothes–it’s so final.
• You hear your mother’s voice coming out of your mouth when you say, “Not in your good clothes.”
• You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.
• You read that the average five-year-old asks 437 questions a day and feel proud that your kid is “above average.”
• You know you are a mom when the gifts you love most are made from construction paper or popsicle sticks, watercolors or glitter, even finger paint. A bouquet of dandelions that are “just for you mommy” are treasured more than a dozen roses, the macaroni necklace more than a gold charm.