My Story: Masked to Truefaced

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I reveal a deep, dark, sinful past in this post.

God can redeem all the empty, pointless, pursuits of my past which means He can redeem anyone.

When we are open and honest about our messy spirituality–It encourages others who may be feeling everyone else has it all together.

We all wear masks, not only to make ourselves look good, but we are often motivated by a sincere desire to make God look good. Why do Christians wear masks?

The authors of a book entitled TrueFaced (Bill Thrall, John Lynch, and Bruce McNicol) suggest that it goes back to sin–either sins committed by us or sins committed against us. If the sin is ours, the response is guilt. If the sin is against us, the response is hurt. These responses inevitably lead to shame, blame, fear, denial and anger.

That would be me–full of guilt and hurt, shame, blame, fear, denial and anger. Most of my life I have run on a performance treadmill, attempting to earn love and acceptance from God and others. The result has been a mess.

“We will never please God through our efforts to become godly. Rather, we will only please God–and become godly–when we trust God.”~ Truefaced

Rebellious Childhood

My childhood was difficult. Due to family illness I was often left alone, and as a result I was sexually abused for over a decade, from the age of five to my teen years.

The shaggy hairstyles, bell-bottoms, rock and roll, make-love-not-war Seventies welcomed my rebellious spirit, and my life became even more broken and littered with hurts, failures, and mistakes.

Each summer I spent time with my sweet godly Grandmother. who was faithful to plant spiritual seeds in me. I saw Jesus in her love, and as a result, I longed for my own relationship with God, and talked to Him often.

Seeking Acceptance in Religion

I became a Christian after a few years of teenage rebellion, and because of my grandmother’s influence, I became involved in the Salvation Army and Young Life. I deeply wanted to follow Christ but I was full of shame and guilt, enslaved in bondage, unable to accept the love and forgiveness God offered.

The treadmill kept me from being free to enjoy the blessings of God. But I was full of shame and guilt, enslaved in bondage, unable to accept love and the forgiveness God offered. The treadmill kept me from freedom to enjoy the blessings of God.

Married at 17

I married at 17 and had four children in five years, and was determined to raise my children in a Christian home. In my zeal I went from the life of a sinner to a religioholic (an alcoholic is preoccupied with alcohol, a workaholic is preoccupied with work; I was preoccupied with legalistic religion).

We joined an independent, legalistic Baptist church and went every time the door was open. ( “We,” meaning the children and me; my husband was not saved.)

I kept the nursery during church and taught Sunday School. If we missed a service, guilt would drive me to volunteer for something else, so I wasn’t fed much spiritually because I was busy earning love and approval.

Church attendance and Bible studies were duties. I tried to control our family with my lists of Christian rules, and I sincerely thought I was on the right path but my artificial rules and regulations sucked the love of God out of our family.

Divorce

My husband was rejected by the church members. On one of the rare occasions when he came to church with us, he went forward for the altar call but was told he could not join the church until he proved himself. He was so embarrassed he never came back to church.

After that, he had several affairs, and finally abandoned us when I was pregnant with our fourth child. I filed for divorce a year later, and we didn’t see him for the next fifteen years. His children have never had any relationship with their father.

After my husband abandoned us, I was completely rejected by the church I had served for five years. I was told I must not have been submissive enough. It was a small church and I think they were afraid to have a single pregnant mother with three children and no income.

The churches we visited over the next few years were either afraid of us or were too legalistic for a divorced mother. After a several rejections, I stopped trying to join a church.

Single Mother with Four Children and No Support

I was left to raise four children without child support for six years. I was desperate to feed my children and did the best I could. I empathize with the millions of single mothers in America who struggle to feed their children every day.

I struggled to make ends meet the first year. I worked several waitress jobs at the same time, and even got a job in a nightclub for a while. We slept on mattresses on the floor, ate our meals off a cardboard box, skipped many meals, and collected soda bottles from ditches to buy medicine.

Homeless

We never had any furniture and could barely afford clothes and shoes from the Goodwill store. We usually had no electricity and often had no water because I didn’t make enough to pay our basic bills. I used an ice chest to keep food cold, and filled up empty milk jugs with water from nearby church spigots in the middle of the night so we could flush the toilets. My rent was always late.

A few weeks of the children having the flu cost me two weeks’ work. Two weeks without pay resulted in an eviction notice. I was preparing our old, rusted-out car to be our new home, packing our few belongings and making beds in the seats.

My neighbor saw me crying in the driveway and asked questions. She told me about a nearby Christian children’s home that could help us. She wasn’t a Christian but she offered help–and not once did anyone from the churches I attended offer any help.

Losing My Children

I was devastated. I had never been away from my children overnight except when I was in the hospital having a baby. My neighbor took me to meet the parents of the children’s home, and they were loving, caring people. I had to choose between living in a car or leaving my children. I left my children at the home.

The Blues were wonderfully sympathetic Christians and charged me an incredibly low rate to feed and house my children each week, but it was still the worst day in my life.

After I had left them at the children’s home I drove to a park and screamed at God, “You said you would provide for my needs, and now you’ve taken my babies!” I cried hysterically for hours. But the next day I realized He had answered my daily prayer, “God, give my children a Christian home.”

It was hard to understand at the time, but it was a blessing that godly people were caring for my children, and they were attending a Christian school while I had a chance to get back on my feet.

Police Academy

I rented a bedroom from a girlfriend and joined the Orlando Police Academy. I was a scrawny 100 lbs (because we had no food), but I made it through the academy. I could only visit my children on the weekends.

Once I became a police officer, I had the opportunity to work off-duty jobs for extra income. I was able to work 80–120 hours a week as a police officer, sometimes not sleeping for two or three days, but I was able to save enough money to rent a house with another girlfriend and get my children back home before the end of the year.

Family Again

Once I got the children back I still had to work 80–100 hours a week to pay for childcare for the four of them. I was exhausted for years, going from one job to another, and back and forth to different babysitters We struggled for the next five years, but we were doing OK. I even saved enough to buy a small home.

We had a bit of normalcy–at least it was normal for a family of four children and a single mother with several jobs. I took every extra job I could find, but there was still never quite enough money to live on. One trip to the dentist or car repair shop put us behind again.

In the sixth year of being single I was faced with losing our home. Childcare for four was more than my salary. I could only get ahead with help. I called Louise Blue at the children’s home and she arranged for my children to stay a few months again. I’ll never forget the day I told the children they would have to go back to the home. The look in their eyes haunts me to this day. My children spend more months away from their mother.

Remarried

I met a older man who knew the position I was in—desperate to get my children back–and he offered to marry me. We married, but it was from my exhaustion and desperation, not out of love. My new husband promised to take us to church so I agreed to marry him. I was grateful to have my children back, and the security of knowing I could feed and house them.

Instead of trusting God, I trusted a man to solve my problems, and my sin had a domino effect on many people’s lives.

Back in Church

We were involved in a mid-size church in Florida and I began homeschooling. Eventually we moved from Florida to Tennessee. People from our Tennessee church asked me to speak about raising children and homeschooling. I finally felt like I fit in church. Here is a photo after I spoke on Mother Day (with my girls and my sweet Grandmother). Our Homeschool Story is here.

Homeschool was rare but growing. I started traveling to give workshops to help people start homeschooling in various churches.

Proverbs 31 Goals

I had three more children by my second husband and worked hard toward my goal of becoming like the Proverbs 31 woman. I taught my children at home, sewed all their clothes, baked bread, and taught the girls to sew, smock, quilt, cook and clean. I was grateful for my children, a home and food.

This is a photo of my first seven children. The youngest was born at home. We were happy in our church. All of us were very active and involved, and life was good –for a while.

Homeschool Business

I wanted to teach my children about running our business, so they started selling books at a table in the back of the room when I spoke about homeschooling.

This little home business grew rapidly. The children helped me send out newsletters and catalogs. My husband had a roadside office, so I asked if we could sell books there. The little store did well. After a few years my husband started helping with our homeschool business, and we moved from Knoxville to Nashville.

The business grew to six homeschool stores in three states, a catalog business, and a homeschool umbrella school with six thousand students. I was determined to work hard and protect my children from the evil world.

I worked on the outside instead of the inside, and externally we appeared to be a godly family; but internally each of us was unraveling.

Passing Down Legalism

I learned, and passed down to my children, unhealthy habits of performing to earn love and acceptance. Instead of teaching the love of God, I taught them (by my actions, not my words) how to run on the performance treadmill and jump through behavioral hoops.

I was extremely critical of myself and others. While I was running on this treadmill I had a judgmental attitude towards anyone who wasn’t on the same treadmill. Where is the love of God in that?

Homeschooling brought in other artificial rules and regulations (always wearing dresses, baking our own bread instead of buying ready-made, using the right math program, the right number of school hours, etc.). I had new rules to follow–I thought that maybe this time I could get it right, and I was willing to work hard to do it.

I truly believed I was on the right path, but the fruit I produced proved otherwise. I lost my temper a lot, among other things, and when my children hit their teen-age years they rebelled.

I was in deep denial. My closest friend once told me, “If being in denial was an Olympic sport, you would be a gold medalist!” My formula for coping with the dysfunctional mess went something like this:

Step 1: Denial (Pretend there is no problem or pretend I don’t feel the way I feel)
Step 2: See some of the problem, blame myself, wallow in shame.
Step 3: Work harder, try harder
Step 4: Fail.
Step 5: Blame myself, wallow in shame.
Step 6: Lose it.
Step 7: Blame myself for losing it, wallow in shame.
Step 8: Emotional collapse.

Another Divorce

That marriage ended in divorce. There was fault on both sides. I was frustrated and angry a lot. I suspected he was having an affair. I poured myself into work — schooled the children and then wrote curriculum for sometimes 10 hours a day.

I pray for my ex husband. He had a very dysfunctional family. Hurt people, hurt people.

The children were a mess and things got much worse before getting better. Years of toting children back and forth between families, opening wounds with every trip was horrible. I was angry and bitter and fought weekly with my ex.

Another Marriage, More Children

Ten years ago, I married a man who had two adult daughters, and together we had two more children (they are now eight and ten), so together we have eleven children and thirteen grandchildren. My husband treats me and all of our children with love and respect. Our marriage is not perfect, of course, but it is like the difference between night and day from the abuse I suffered previously.

The bitterness and anger I carried toward my ex-husband resulted in heart disease and other health problems. I had open heart surgery at 51 and another heart surgery last year. Sin has consequences, but God uses His grace through sin’s consequences to draw us closer to Him!

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Heb 12:2.

Broken Family=Broken Children

My adult children struggle with the consequences of our broken family. I’ve repented and apologized for those many years that I was wrapped up in spiritual self-reliance and cheated them of the joy of life in Christ. Some of my children have forgiven me. Some have not. Hurting people hurt other people..

Jesus Loves Us– it has Nothing to Do With Our Ability to Perform.

I recently talk to a friend that started homeschooling 25 years ago. All her children are grown. She talked about having many regrets–also being on a treadmill trying to earn Gods approval–about feeling stress and losing her temper a lot during her homeschool years.

We talked about how important it is to let homeschool moms know it is difficult. It is a struggle. You can feel like a failure– because anything you try to do in your own strength only brings pride.

The Christian Life is Dwelling in Him.

We need to simply enter His rest and watch the freedom from our mess begin to unfold. As we dwell in Him we become transformed into His image, being changed by His glory. Without the Vine to bring nourishing sap to the branch there can be no fruit.

I love the way Mike Yaconelli explains this:

Spiritually is not a formula; it is not a test. It is a relationship. Spiritually is not about competency; it is about intimacy. Spiritually is not about perfection; it is about connection.

The way of spiritual life begins where we are now in the mess of our lives. Accepting the reality of our broken, flawed lives is the beginning of spiritually not because the spiritual life will remove our flaws, but because we let go of seeking perfection and instead seek God the One who is present in the tangleness of our lives.

Freedom comes from knowing truth – and the One who is the Way, the Truth and the Life. Freedom does not mean lawlessness.

Freedom in Him is freedom from shame and not from responsibility. We have a responsibility to submit. God’s Spirit can do His work only as we yield to Him. Jesus came to show us the love of God; when we yield, that love flows through us.

Getting off the performance treadmill was a long, complicated, and messy process. I had a lot of shame and assumptions to overcome.

“God’s ultimate goal is maturing us into who he says we are, and then releasing us into the dreams he designed for us before the world began.”~TrueFaced

God took me on this journey to learn of Him and everything I have been through has brought me in a deeper walk with Him.

He used the Hebrew roots of Christianity (which can also turn into legalism if one is out of balance) to prepare me for His plans for me. I got to know Him by dropping preconceived ideas and assumptions. I learned of God’s grace through the wonderful stories in both Testaments.

Not everyone goes this particular route. But no one experiences real spiritual fruit until they have accepted His love.

You will trust God only as much as you love him. And you will love him not because you have studied him; you will love him because you have touched him—in response to his touch…Only if you love will you make that final leap into darkness. “Father, into your hands I commend my spirit.” –Brennan Manning in Lion and Lamb

I continue dealing with the consequences of my life of sin. It’s a journey and we have come far, and we have far to go. It’s easy to lose focus and rely on working overtime to please God through our good works and righteous behavior. But we can never do it in our own strength.

At the very root of all Christian life lies the thought that God is to do all – that our work is to give and leave ourselves in His hands, in the confession of utter helplessness and dependence, in the assured confidence that He gives all we need.

The great lack of the Christian life is that, even where we trust Christ, we leave God out of the count. Christ came to bring us to God. Christ lived the life of a man exactly as we have to live it. Christ the Vine points to God the Husbandman. As He trusted God, let us trust God, that everything we ought to be and have, as those who belong to the Vine, will be given us from above. (Andrew Murray, The Secret of God’s Love)

The rest of the story…I have not listed all my sins nor all my consequences in this post (it would take a book, a very large book) but you get the idea.

I still struggle daily, but God reminds me how much He loves me and then I can rest in His strength. He reminds me that He used David, the woman at the well, and even a stubborn donkey, and He can even use me.

Why Am I Being So Transparent?

God can use anyone regardless of your past.
I trust God is doing something good for all of us. Romans 8:28
I am devastated that I am not close to all my children. I’m asking you to pray for us. (Bear one another’s burdens)
I don’t want to wear a mask. I want to be Trufaced. I want to trust God and others with who I really am. Healthy relationships can exist when you feel free to peel away the masks and become who God created you to be.
When we are open and honest about our problems it encourages others .
Submission does not mean you have to be a doormat. A controlling abusive marriage in the name of God is an excuse for abuse. See Battered Into Submission: The Tragedy of Wife Abuse in the Christian Home or No Place for Abuse: Biblical & Practical Resources to Counteract Domestic Violence or Keeping the Faith: Guidance for Christian Women Facing Abuse

Robin

Are you trying to please God? Instead Trust God–then He will enable you to please Him. Watch this video: John Lynch (one of the TrueFaced authors) talks about life in the room where we try to please God.

If you don’t see a video in this space click here

Free Audios

What I would Tell You If I could Talk to You In Person – Robin Sampson
Transition eight and half hour teaching series designed to help people embrace the work of Christ and thus trade the bondage of religious thinking for the freedom of relational living- Wayne Jacobsen
Epic: The Story God Is Telling and the Role That Is Yours to Play -Excerpt by John Eldredge (also author of Truefaced)

Books

He Loves Me by Wayne Jacobsen (read excerpt here)
Breaking the Bondage of Legalism
TrueFaced

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There Are 63 Responses So Far. »

Comment by littlesanctuary (Kim) :

Thank you for such an honest, wonderful post!!!

littlesanctuary (Kim)’s last blog post..linkage
Comment by P* :

Ahh, yes…it’s all about relationship vs. religion, isn’t it?

Sigh…I’m hesitant to tell you how amazing you are, Robin…because I KNOW it is HIM thru you…so, I’ll just say…”thank you” for being so transparent. You don’t HAVE to pour your heart out this way, yet.. you do, and as a result, many are encouraged.

We ALL need Him…we ALL sin. May we continually give out the love/mercy we’ve been given by Him…the author and finisher of our faith.

Much Love,

P*

Heb. 12:2 Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith;
Comment by Katia :

Wow, Robin!!!!What a post!!!!!

Very well said. Thank you for being so honest and true. You are a blessing! We need more of these posts in our Christian/Jewish roots communities. I’m sorry you had to live in so much shame from the church, of all of the religions in the world “Christians are the only ones, who murder their wounded”

“Freedom comes from knowing truth – and the One who is the Way, the Truth and the Life. Freedom does not mean lawlessness. Freedom in Him is freedom from shame and not from responsibility. We have a responsibility to submit. God’s Spirit can do His work only as we yield to Him. Jesus came to show us the love of God; when we yield, that love flows through us.”
“God took me on this journey to learn of Him through the Hebrew roots of Christianity (which can also turn into legalism if one is out of balance) to prepare me for His plans for me.”

These two statements are very well said.
Love and prayers,
katia

Katia’s last blog post..May/June flowers
Comment by Angela :

I think this post will bless many… it is rare you hear real testimonies that detail a hard journey rather than the misconceptions through denial. It makes it harder when the reality does not measure up to the ideals that people spread to feel like one can ‘measure up’. Thank you for sharing this.

Angela’s last blog post..A blink and the week is gone!
Comment by Yvonne :

Robin,

Bless your heart…what an amazing post. I’ve walked the path of having been sexually abused and always driven to earn approval. The Lord has rescued and redeemed me. Amen, to all that you’ve written. God is good!

Yvonne’s last blog post..Heart of the Matter Conference Winner is….
Comment by Sombra :

Robin.. I so needed to hear that you’re not perfect, that you too have suffered the pain I’ve suffered.. And to see how God has worked in you, and healed you. I’ve received that same healing.. the touch that I’ve responded to and touched back. – the hurts still keep coming, but when we keep our eyes on Yeshua, and keep walking in his ways – the words of Psalm 62 have impacted me in the last day. I Won’t Be Moved!

And I can see that you too have heard God’s word, and you too will not be moved.

Sombra
Comment by mommyandmeboutique :

You are so right, it is our personal relationship with Christ that counts, not a set of rules or performance – it is our total dependence upon Him that we can walk in fellowship with Him and other believers.

Have you ever read “True Spirituality” by Dr. Francis Schaffer. There is a chapter in there on true guilt and psychological guilt. He happens to be one one my favorite Christian authors. This is a good book to read once a year.

I wish you continued blessing for you and your family.
Comment by Robyn :

Hi Robin,
I hope your feeling better? I appreciate your post today as your probably the most transparent person I know, your you. One thing is , you remember where you came from….we all should. Right now Im in a situation in my life I feel like Im fighting against the current…no church to go to, churches here have absolutely nothing for kids or teens? My marriage is in trouble due to so many things going on in our home…but I keep the hope and pray that God will intervene. Im tired of pretending it will all go away…Im sorry to per say DUMP, but I would appreciate prayers, Im at the end of my rope. I have been praying for a church, restoration and healing in my family, and for God to help me to be the woman of God and mom he wants me to be.
I love this blog, as you can get so much encouragement and love here. You have been a blessing to me and boy do things touch home. Praying for you .
Comment by Miss Jocelyn :

Your story is such a testimony to what God really do in someone’s life once they truly give it up to Him. I know that everyone is not perfect and we all struggle. It really disgusts me when the Body of Christ shuns those who need Him most because of the self-righteousness. I pray that He will continue to keep me for being self-righteous and not feeling self-pity for myself.

Thank you ever so much for all your post. I think you are definitely encouraging and motivating homeschoolers and mothers in the Biblical-lifestyle.

Love
MJ

Miss Jocelyn’s last blog post..Resting In The Arms Of Grace
Comment by Tamara Scire :

Thank you for your transparency Robin. I, too, have lived most of my life trying to impress and please others. It has, at many times, been more important to me than God, it was my god. Honestly, as I got to the end of my rope two years ago, I was surfing the internet, asking God to lead me to truth and “magically” your HOW website came up. It was like fresh air.

God has turned your “ashes” into beauty and glory for Him and He is blessings us through your testimony and the knowledge and truth He has given you.

I’ve just recently began remembering some sexual abuse that happened to me MANY years ago, I firmly believed that if God didn’t have access to my heart I wouldn’t be able to handle this shocking and horrible truth. But, because He continues to help me and lead me to truth, He also leads me to healing which is exactly what my heart needs. As I take off the cloak of shame, He can then put on the cloak of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control. Before, my heart was so “black” I didn’t have room for what God had for me.

Now, He is truly my Savior, not just giving me eternal life but also giving me abundant life here on earth (John 10:10).

To Him be glory and honor!
Tamara Scire
Comment by Robin @ HeartofWisdom :

Tamara,

That was beautiful. Thank you for the image of the new cloak.

Robin @ HeartofWisdom’s last blog post..Working Harder is Not the Answer!
Comment by Candace :

Robin, I have been a reader of your blog for many months now, but was not familiar with much of your testimony. Thank you for sharing. I now have even more reason to admire you and the grace of God which is so evident in your life. God will bless you for sharing your ups and downs with us!

Candace’s last blog post..Summer Olympics & China lapbook
Comment by Beulah :

Hi Robin
Thank you so much for sharing your testimony and being so real. I forward your story to a couple of friends Shalom to you!
Comment by Dawn :

Thank you for writing so humbly, Robin. It is so easy to identify with what you have written and I appreciate your transparency. Thank you for sharing His love. It always amazes me how God takes the hurts in our lives and brings about transformation, not only in our lives but to bless others as well. Thank you. Praying you are feeling better and know how much you have blessed another momma.

In Him,
Dawn
Comment by Sharon Sue :

That’s why it is called amazing grace!!!! Thanks for sharing. Our best witness is “our story”!!! Like the woman at the well, our story will preach every time. We need to boldly proclaim what God has done!!!! God’s blessings to you and your family.
Comment by julee :

Robin thanks for sharing (more of)your story. Some of the details are different but pretty darn close to my own story.(I think mine might involve more crime and lifestyle sin?) God called my current husband and I out of our lukewarmness about 10 years ago after much pain and heartache from our sins. Now it seems like in time of great stress (our youngest died in April after a bone marrow transplant) I can fall back into my same battles with shame and performance anxiety. I know it is the enemy getting me in my “weak” spots. I LOVED The Shack for thesame reasons. (also because Mack over his “great sadness”)Thank you for your transparency and your ability to teach us all through your own story.
I pray for your health whenever I think of you or see you have updated your blog. We need you in our lives Robin! You have been such a “teacher”to me and my family for years now. We use HOW and read all your stuff!
Julee
mommy to many
7 bios, 13 adopted
2 waiting to see again in Heaven
“expecting” 2-3 more littles from Ethiopia soon
Comment by Terri Layne :

Oh my goodness, Robin, what a powerful testimony! It takes a lot of courage to be so open. I have a testimony also, but I often hold back because I am afraid people will despise me, or avoid me, or reject me. I have to remember that God gets the glory in any good that people see in me, not me. It’s a tough thing!

God bless you so very, very much! Just your testimony is encouraging to me. My life verse is also Ps 90:12, after a scare about a pituitary tumor this summer. So glad God has chosen to keep you with us!

love in Him,
Terri Layne
Comment by Carol :

I enjoyed reading this testimony. I was from a similar family, and now I am finding the life of freedom and obedience that comes from relationship with our living God. Praise God that if we seek Him with all our hearts we find Him.

Carol
Comment by Sarah :

Robin, your formula for coping with the dysfunctional mess describes how I dealt with things in my life at one time!! I am also learning to build a relationship and show my children that instead of trying to prove that I can do everything and please everyone so this post has really lifted me – I know I’m not alone thankyou for your honesty.

Love Sarah
Comment by Jacque :

What a blessing your testimony has been to so many readers! I am rejoicing at these comments! Matt and I are still trying to shake off the sins of feminism and selfishness that were ingrained into our hearts with all the dysfunction we each grew up in.
I am so amazed that our children are who they are in spite of our marriage and stupid things we still do and say! That in itself has been a miracle of God!
Thank you for your transparency. It is so hard to recount all of those memories. What a blessing your testimony is though today!

You said several things that stuck out as so important in a Believer’s life:
#1 I write for homeschoolers to motivate and help other moms avoid some of the mistakes I’ve made. The writings are positive and encouraging, so they may leave you with a false impression of my family.

I have been accused of appearing to have the perfect family. I wonder if people really believe that or if it was really meant to be an accusation. I have a clear enough grasp of reality to know that no one has a perfect life. Sure, when I see the good things or a sweet spirit in someone, I want to strive to be more like them in that area, but I know that does not mean they have the perfect life.
It is important that you presented this in two separate issues, but also the same: the Life of a Believer and Homeschoolers. Many times, both parties are touted as high and mighty, self-righteous and hypocrites. And sometimes we are. And sometimes we are standing so strong on our beliefs that there is no other way to look.

#2 (which can also turn into legalism if one is out of balance)
This is so true for anything. And it can happen without our recognizing it. It is so important to really know the Word, and even moreso, the character of God. Would He do this? Would He believe this? Is this Him??

#3 We Needed Relationship Not Religion. So many Believers get caught up in the fact that we must do this or that. Honestly, we can do nothing. What needed to be done was done, and we don’t even know what to do if we don’t have the relationship.

#4 I continue dealing with the consequences of my life of sin. It’s a journey and we have come far, but we have far to go.
Oh, if only repentance took care of the consequences!! Oh LORD, how much simpler life would be. But then we would not grow and learn. And neither would our children. There is a great value in consequences. Praise God for His sustaining power through them.

Robin, I am so glad you are where you are today in the LORD!! How merciful He is to save sinners like us. I would be dead in an alley somewhere if not for His mercy and grace.
Thank you for sharing this part of your life and making it so clear that we can deceive ourselves as Believers. I think that is the worst deception. Self-deception. It is much harder to recognize than the enemy’s. But, God will show us if we desire to humble ourselves and seek Him. He will be found.

I love coming here. I feel like I get a Bible Study each time!!
Thank you for all the time you put into your posts!
LOVE!
~J

Jacque’s last blog post..Tote & Tee Giveaway!
Comment by Bobbie-Jo :

I hope you are feeling well. I missed the whole hospital episode, but I know that your health is an ongoing request.

What a beautiful testimony of God’s relentless pursuit of you. I think everyone’s thankful that you shared so many intimate details of your pain, all for God’s glory.

Why have we got it so mixed up about The Relationship? Our Small Group leader compares it to people who have entered a restaurant, but are sitting in the waiting area for a while. They can hear the laughter and fun inside, but can’t get in. Many people in our churches are in that “waiting area”, they are at the right place (figurativley), but don’t seem to get out of the waiting area into the party.

Thank you for your last comments on my blog (about knowing how much He really loves me – and not fretting). They steered me right more than you know!

Bobbie-Jo’s last blog post..Contentment
Comment by Hadias :

What a powerful testimony. It is true demonstration of the Awesome God we serve. He is able to anything with anyone even a wretch like you and me.

Hadias’s last blog post..A Day in the Life Of…Blogger Book Club #3
Comment by Forgetfulone :

That was a very enlightening post, one I’m going to have to read again (and probably again) because I need to absorb its truths. Thank you for posting this.

Forgetfulone’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday
Comment by lylah ledner :

Robin ~ Thanks for visiting the Lylah Blog and for your comment on 10 quick tips to improve your listening skills” …

on another note ~ I’m so glad for the visit here to your world and I can see that probably you and I are singing off some of the same soap boxes.

Blessings on you and your homefront! You Go Girl!
Lylah

lylah ledner’s last blog post..10 quick tips to improve your listening skills
Comment by Tiffany :

I read some of your blog and I have to say you are an amazing woman!! I am 33 yrs old and was homeschooled as a child until my Senior year of Highschool where I graduated two years early. When we started homeschooling in Colorado it was illegal!! My mom helped paved the way for other homeschoolers! Yippee! I wouldn’t have traded the experience for the world…..Be proud of what you do and the mom that you are…

Tiffany’s last blog post..One Potato, Two Potato, Three Potato, FOUR!
Comment by Susan :

Um what can I say? I am thankful to the Lord, that He rescued you, saved you and has you firmly in His grip.

I want to sit with you over a nice warm cuppa (it’s winter here in AU) and just share stories, knowing that it’d be for the glory of God.

To Him be all praise, glory and honour!

Blessings to you,
Comment by Eren :

Absolutely fantastic and superb. I knew there was more to you- I knew you had to have suffered to produce the phenomenal Bible studies that you have. I knew it!!
So glad you turned your life and mind around.
Blessings,
Eren
Comment by Sheila :

Robin, I truly thank God for you. In many ways you remind me of my own mother and myself, having grown up under a mom who was ruled by fear of man (the performance treadmill)…I too have walked that route.

what you wrote here is so true for many. To this day I’m captivated by the Love of God because it’s so different than what I grew up under. His mercy is amazing and His grace to make a garden where there seems to be only parched places is wonderful!

I’m so glad He’s restored and is doing this work through you, it is a beautiful testimony!

Sheila

Sheila’s last blog post..We’re builders- Part 4: Offered to be consumed
Comment by Tara in VA :

I loved your post.

I grasped the concept of “relationship” with Jesus while receiving counciling/discipling at Grace Ministries in Manassas, VA. I was definitely on a performanced-based-acceptance cycle. What I learned there changed my life. I read a book they recommended, “The Confident Woman” by Anabel Gillham. Also her husband’s book, “Lifetime Guarantee” by Bill Gillham. For the first time in my life The Good News was REALLY GOOD! For anyone who is interested in either of these resources, you can check out their website, http://www.lifetime.org.

With the understanding of my identity in Christ and His love for me, I was able to read the Bible with new eyes. A few years ago, I began exploring my Hebrew Roots. Without having experienced/lived the Grace of a relationship with Christ, the beauty of the Holidays and the Sabbath could have gotten lost in self-imposed performance-based-acceptance legalism.

My apologies if I moved my soapbox to your blog, Robin! But I can’t stress enough how transforming this has been!
Comment by Penney Douglas :

Dear Robin,

I’m so thankful that you wrote this post. I was curious about different aspects of your large family, and this explains some things you’ve written in the past. I wanted to know more about you, because it helps me to pray for you and your family, and I can defend you, if need be, when questions arise from people who are not so gracious about things like divorce and forgiveness of past sin. You know I’ll always be in your corner! I see Jesus in you. I know your heart is right and that all you want is to love and obey Him. Jesus forgets our sin, so who are we to remember and shun people for past sin?

You’ve said in the past that some of your family members are not happy about your fascination with Hebrew roots. I have found that studying Hebrew roots helps us balance our understanding of God and His ways. I’ve seen people get legalistic about it, but I’ve seen wonderful fruit from it, too. We have benefited greatly from deeper study of the Old Testament and Jewish ways of thinking.

Thank you for giving us more of your testimony. I really wanted to know more of what has made you the person you are.

You ought to write a book about your testimony!

Love,
Penney

Penney Douglas’s last blog post..The Best Dad in the Whole World
Comment by Regina :

I’m very proud of you Mom. I’m glad that both you and I have found this connection with God. Thank you for being a wonderful mother.

I love you,
Regina
Comment by MeritK :

Wow! Over the years you have been such a blessing and encouragement to me through your writings- you are truly a precious sister in Christ. Thanks for always reminding us of His Grace and Goodness through it all! MeritK
Comment by Jennifer in TX :

Thank you for sharing your story! You have so much to teach and share and I so appreciate that you do just that.
You know, reading child rearing & homeschooling books, often I think these people are not for real. Life just isn’t that smooth. It is such a blessing and I feel honored that you shared with us where and how you have gained wisdom.

Jennifer
Comment by KristinaP :

The comic was perfect! I plan on sharing that with several homeschooling friends.

Needless to say, Robin, watching God work through you helps us all to keep our eye’s on Jesus. When you share these feelings it helps all the rest of us know that we are not alone.

Blessings
Comment by Kirstin :

woo hoo! Excellent post. I have been saved for 24 years and while I wouldn’t say I was stuck in “religion”, I was definately a performance, by the rules kind of girl. I’m only 39. In the last few years God has taken our church and our lives on a journey into intimacy and freedom. While still living holy and righteous lives, just not out of legalism but out of honor for the one who gave us life.

I’m just now starting to read The Shack!
I’ll be by often to visit.

Kirstin’s last blog post..Recipe: Homemade BBQ Sauce
Comment by Jillian Fourman :

Hi Robin,

All I can say is WOW!!! You have been through SO much and YOU have come SO FAR!! I am truly blessed by your writings and pray for your healing physically quite often. And I pray for healing mentally and spiritually as well for you, and your children through all the years.

We think we have it all together but yet are struggling……it is so hard today in church and marriage and trying to be a Christian in this world without hurting but loving one another.

My journey has been hard….too much to detail but similiar…ya know blending of families…abuse…stuff…etc.

I am still homeschooling but almost done. Now I wonder what my children’s future is….as they wait for God’s leading while 1 is going through such physical illness as well as myself, and 1 went through terrible illnesses for over 11 yrs then has come to a place where he is managing….I have homeschooled through terrible chronic illness but I think we have learned to care for one another through it all. And deal with another adult child going through deep valleys…and trying to restart his life….with a sick finance so we await the outcome…..what a season in the journey….and myself as well.

Thank You for sharing your life, I know you have alot of good memories to outweight the hurtful ones

Just remember Psalms….they are my favorite and encourage me to keep climbing the mountain as I am looking forward to the view at the top!

Luv and Hugs, Jillian in TN
Comment by Mrs. Ellis :

oh robin! your journey brought tears to my eyes; God *bless* you, my precious sister! i can *sooo* relate to many of your experiences. i, too, grew up in chaos and abuse, and, by God’s grace, experienced a profound conversion to Christ in my mid-20. unfortunately, i soon fell into EXTREME legalism (an amish-mennonite group)… then proceeded to try about every denomination you can think of. i finally, joyfully, discovered Messianic Chrisianity… and soon mourned the rampant legalism there.
to make a *looong* story short, God used my learning about our Hebrew roots– espeically through your sweet books and ministries!– to lead me back to Holy Mass and the *beautiful* (and spiritually and emotionally healing) Catholic Church i grew up in! i could not *believe* how “Jewish” the Mass is! learning about Hebrew roots and celebrating the holy days connected the dots for me, and made the *entirety* of the Scriptures, as well as the writings of the early fathers make sense.
glory to GOD! today i am finally ***home*** and at peace.

i praise our *God* with you that you, too, have found peace in our glorious Savior!
Comment by Prodigal :

I honestly thought of you as perfect, so I’m shocked to have been wrong again. What a great story! I wonder how many thought David was perfect, LOL.

“Christians are the only ones, who murder their wounded”

I had a similar church experience as a young minister and didn’t return to church for 25 years. Now I fight back tears every Sunday as I understand how BIG God is through His people, people like you.

Gettin’ real is the way to really get to people. Bravo.
Comment by christopher :

Our politics may differ. Our Christianity may differ. Our thoughts and views on life may differ. But the things your write never fail to encourage. Be they on your blog, or on twitter, I see and feel the love of God poured out through your words.

It is a wonderful thing.

God bless.
Comment by Allison :

Robin…I’m going to come back and read this all the way thru when I have time to think. My heart just broke though when I read thru the first few paragraphs and got to the part about the abuse you endured. I am so so sorry friend. You and Beth Moore both! Anyway, I’m so glad God’s brought much healing to you. I have to apologize because the other day I commented on wishing to have had your upbringing. I had not read this post otherwise I wouldn’t have made such an insensitive comment.
I was remembering your godly grandmother you spent time with in North Carolina who showed you Jesus. I’m sooooo thankful you had her.
Anyway, you had written about her in another post where I saw it..it was the same year 2007, when she went home to be with her Jesus.
Anyway, I am sorry for the hurtful comment I made, not realizing just what you had been thru!
I am very very thankful you have your grandmothers legacy and spiritual blessings that come with that.
In Jesus’ Love,
Allison
Comment by Allison :

Okay, I have kids swarming around me, so…just so you’ll know the reason behind my incoherant reply. Hugs. Allison
Comment by Allison :

Hi Robin,
I’m sorry to keep commenting on the same post. I was so moved to tears to hear of the things you have gone thru in your childhood and then as a single mother. With all the pain you’ve gone thru I think, how? How was she ever able to write HOW??? I’m so glad you found the love you so longed for and were delivered from the performance treadmill. I thank God for you sweet sister in Christ. It’s so healing for me to hear of what God has done for you. For the record, you never did come across as trying to look as though you’re the perfect homeschool family. I think people may have assumed that you were just because you have written Heart of Widsom. Oh I’m so glad God healed you! And boy do I understand more the why behind your “cardboard testimony”. Is that what they called it when they held up the signs?
I’m so happy that God pulled you up out of the mire clay, set your feet on a firm foundation, put a new song in your heart and is the lifter of your head!
Thank you for your testimony,… thank you for being transparent.
Love in Jesus,
Allison
Comment by Scott Johnson :

On my worst day, in my greatest failure you were on my side.

On my worst day, in my greatest failure you saw the best in me.

On my worst day, in my greatest failure you saw a good end for me.
Comment by tekhelet :

Loved this sharing Robin. Will keep you in prayer. God bless.
Comment by Jacque Dixon :

I am glad you edited this post to include some things, but also saddened. I know, it is the way it is… but it is heart-breaking.

I am praying for you and your family, Robin. May Yehovah God restore your relationships and bless you and keep you in his Shalom.

I know you have learned a lot in all of this… but, oh. May he heal your broken heart.

Love you~
J
Trackback by Sprittibee :

“If being in denial was an Olympic sport, you would be a gold medalist!” Robin Sampson http://bit.ly/mLNqa Go read her story!
Trackback by Jacque Dixon :

Got a hard life? We are all the same. No one is perfect, and we all have problems! There is an answer. Robin’s story: http://bit.ly/mLNqa
Comment by sprittibee :

I just love you to pieces. You didn’t have to share this, but I am so glad that you did. I’m glad to know that I’m not the only one who has a story of shame. I nearly couldn’t make it through Beth Moore’s “Breaking Free”. I can see that you might be right there along with me crying and eating chocolate. I wish I could curl up in your living room on your couch and stay up talking with you. You are the amazing person that you are today – a masterpiece, the potter’s Magnum Opus – because of each stroke and each tear that you shed.

You radiate His love. He has made you a lamp – a shining light on a hill. I’m so happy to know you, Robin.

(((HUGS)))
Comment by Jacque Dixon :

Let me add an -s to that final word “heart”.

May he heal your broken hearts.
Comment by P* :

Isn’t it ironic that we tend to believe that the more we share our shortcomings/sins, the less we’ll be loved and accepted by God and others? In actuality, the opposite is true…as you have proven here. Just when I thought I couldn’t love/appreciate you any more, I do.:o)
Thank you, Robin…for being a continual blessing to me and so many others. I love you & pray for you often.
Comment by Lisa :

Thank you for your post! It helps me to read this. I’m a single Mom who adopted kids. I have been intentionally ignored by every homeschool group I’ve applied to, but HAVE at least received graciously given help at 2 or the three Churches we’ve attended. I’ve been thru a few of the events you’ve lived thru, too. It’s helps to hear others have “endured” but not lost faith.
Comment by Joy :

Hi Robin,

Thank you so much for sharing your story on some other christian’s reactions to your remarriage. I have been divorced for many years and was saved after my divorce. I have a lovely daughter who is currently at ‘normal’ school though I really want to homeschool her. At the moment, though, her father will not allow this. However, I’m still getting discretely prepared because I know that God is the one that has laid it so much on my heart.

I found your website after a supernatural impartation of wisdom at church and am so blessed to see that someone else has a similar heart to mine. I loved the extracts of the heart of wisdom and delight based learning books available on your website and am hoping to purchase the full books as soon as possible.

Also was delighted to find out I wasn’t alone with struggling to create order and beauty in my home!! I have got a copy of one of the books that you recommended, ‘Messie No More’.

Thank you so much for being you.

Blessings,

Joy
Comment by Missy :

I was blessed by your post. I needed to read this today. I struggle with perfectionism due to my abusive childhood. It is hard to homeschool with that struggle. I have to stay on my knees giving it back to him every day because of the perfectionist tendencies which want rob me of enjoying my children.

Your blog was an encouragement to keep pressing forward in surrendering that false idea of a “perfect homeschool”, “perfect mom”, “perfect….”. God’s hand is on this post. It is an encouragement for the rest of us dysfunctional homeschooling moms so that we can see the beauty in our dysfunction because where we are weak he can be strong, and His glory shines through much more brilliantly. What beauty has come out of your ashes.

Thank you for sharing. I have been tremendously encouraged
Comment by Tiny :

WOW thanks for posting part of your journey on your blog. I’m a single mom of 2 and a grandma to 1. I was saved as a teenager but strayed from church after my first marriage (ladies in the church were telling my family members that my husband was going to kill me)

Married a 2nd time for convenience as well and that turned into disaster and he ended up in prison. Then I realized I couldn’t do in on my own so I returned to my Lord and Savior. Thought I had found a good man and we were married he attended church w/me when he was in town (he was a truck driver). Well at the end of being married 2 months (we dated 5 years) he sent a text message telling me to get out of the house he was bringing his girlfriend home. (that’s the last I ever heard from him and yes it was by text message) So again I thank you for sharing your testimony.

I still have things that I’m working on but I’m not doing it on my own anymore I’m depending on Jesus!!
Comment by katdish :

Thanks for that, especially that part at the end. So often when you read a story of how someone was far away from God, the assumption at the end is that they are now fully devoted and living a life exempt from struggle and pain. I think’s it’s important to be honest about the fact that we are still wretched sinners, but we strive to become more Christlike out of love and profound gratitude for what He has done for us. Thanks for pointing me here.

In Him,

Kathy Richards (katdish)
Comment by Rose :

My husband and I are also have a large family, we, too,are blended. Between the 2 of us we have 10 children, and 2 grandchildren, with number 3 due in 3 weeks, and numbers 4&5 due in Sept. No, numbers4&5 are NOT twins, they have 2 different moms.

My step-daughter who has one of the grandchildren plans on home-schooling her when it is time,(she is only 17 months old now), but mom and dad both have learning disabilities, so I more than likely will be the one doing the home-schooling.

Rose’s last blog post..Looking for a Job!
Comment by Lainie Petersen :

Thanks so much for this honest testimony. I know that it has helped me, and that it will help many other people. God bless you.
Comment by Dolores Woodrum :

What a blessing you are, Robin, to so many people…including me. Your story is amazing, and your courage in being transparent will encourage others to find freedom and healing by taking off their own masks and being TrueFaced. I love you.
Comment by Lisa Arndt :

Dear Robin, All I can say is now it’s official:
You are my “hero”!! Of course, Christ is my ultimate hero but your story is absolutely fascinating and inspiring. I just plain love you my dear sister in Christ. From Lisa a single homeschooling mom with many regrets about my past but living now in God’s wonderful grace. You have helped me on this journey since the day I came across the Heart of Wisdom teaching approach.
Comment by Julie Todd :

Hey Robin,
Thank you for sharing your heart here…. the redeeming hand of God is written all over this story!!!

I see you love some of the same authors I love… Mike Yaconelli, John Lynch, Wayne Jacobsen…. love them!

I too am journeying out of religion… it’s what I write about on my blog!
Comment by Stephanie Bateman :

Robin,
I know that took a lot of trust in God, to share what you have. I know because I have been going back and forth on sharing my story as well. So far, I am winning out over God, which is not a good thing. I struggle with what “other people” will think.

Thank you for sharing your story. It touched me deeply. I am a single mom, and have struggled for years, even when married.

May Yehovah bless you beyond measure, and watch over your entire family, and touch their hearts.

(((((Hugs)))))))
Stephanie Bateman´s last blog ..Am I Thankful Enough?
Comment by mcProdigal :

This is the second version of your story I’ve read. Your expression of your “messy spirituality” is moving as one would expect because you are God’s perfect workmanship (Ephesians 2:10) and created to walk in perfect works created for you. How can you do that if you’re dishonest? You show His strength in your weakness and you bless so many.

As a prodigal returned to God and to my mom, I’ll pray with you for your broken relationships. My mom prayed for me for 27 years and we were both rewarded with a relationship to one another that far surpasses anything we had in the past. Hold onto hope for it will keep you praying.

Your blog is second to none.
Comment by kelly ormiston :

God bless you for you honesty, you are such an encouragment to others. You are in my prayers. Jeremiah 29:11 has been the scipture I have had to stand on through many trials. I know it can encougage you. I also suffered abuse in childhood, marriage at a young age, abandoment with young children by a drug addicted husband, he did seek rehab and said he excepted the Lord, I thought the marriage was restored only to be deserted again several years later when he left with another woman. My older children have no relationship with him after many painful experiences for us all. I became an R.N. and worked long hours, I remember standing in line at the grocery store at midnight to use food stamps with my little children while I was trying to get through college, because I was so ashamed at 23 years old. Years later I remarried, a man that knows the Lord, we have 2 children together, he loves us all, the grown children and our little ones, and takes good care of us. We are blessed with much, I no longer work outside the home. I am finally learning what the peace of God is for the first time in my life and I am 49. Better late than never. I can look back and see how God was with me every step of the way. I have such compassion for young mothers and children, that have been abused and abandoned. I know we would not be the woman of God we are today with out the past experiences we have went through. You are touching the lives of many women and giving them the courage to talk about the past so they can fully heal, including me. Thankyou for allowing God to use you. Sisters in Christ